i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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