it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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