I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
