I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize