The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
