Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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