everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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