Only a mothe r could love this liver
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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