Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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