You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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