dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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