So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
