he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
