The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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