Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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