I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
