Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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