How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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