were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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