my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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