there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Is it penis luge time yet?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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