He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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