It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
