tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
