i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
