I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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