I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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