I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
