We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I love having hate sex.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
