I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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