You really coming over, don't trick.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
