I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
my poor anus
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
