Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
This baby is an asshole
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
