Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
