I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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