i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
