Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
