well I can't set my house on fire every night
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize