the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
