i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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