Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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