I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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