I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
