The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
