does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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