Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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