My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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