I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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