She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
