Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
