i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
