I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
