the condom got lost in my hair
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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