my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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