dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
