And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
