i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
