In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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