wakey wakey hands off snakey
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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