I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
